Silly, silly humans

Oh, you humans! Must we teach you everything? The other day, while being driven around like the noble Dog I am, I saw another dog who was, how can I put this, uh, well, um, fat. Not extra layer of winter coat fat, more like time to cut back on the pre-breakfast, post-breakfast, lunchtime, pre-dinner and post-dinner snacks fat. No self respecting dog wants to be fat. So if you, fellow canines, look anything like a Rollo, (Don't know what a Rollo is? You really must get out more! But only have one - otherwise we'll have a problem.) it's time to get out there and pant a little. Fetch the ball, carry a stick around, go run on the beach. I personally enjoy chasing things, preferably small, furry, fast-moving objects like squirrels, and cats. Not that I've ever chased a cat... well, there was that one time, but it was in my yard - on my porch, even! Just sitting there, grooming itself, not a care in the world. Until the door opened, and out I came, and it made a break for the fence like it had been scalded. I am proud to say that I cornered it at the fence and everything, and we were just getting ready to dance when those meddling humans intervened. I was gonna win, too.

Anyways, where was I? Oh, right. Exercise. So get out there, preferably with your human, and run around. Pretend you enjoy playing fetch (also known as getit!), unless you're a Labrador, in which case you probably do enjoy it. Also, watch what you eat. Just because it's in your bowl doesn't mean it needs to go in the mouth. This is not the wild plains of your ancestors, there will be another meal served later today, which you do not need to do. You could sleep all afternoon, and then magically, food will appear. It's great!

Another hint for you, oh whiners of table scraps: don't eat all five buckets of chicken wings that your humans left on the coffee table while they went to get their drinks. Think of all those chickens running around without wings -- it's not pleasant. Have a salad instead. And take the stairs, not the elevator. Insist on going one more block before you turn around to go back home - if you pull on the leash hard enough, they'll give in. Drive a stick-shift car in a parade, at the very end of the line, behind all the little kids on their bikes with the funny training wheels. They'll be all like, "Daddy, Daddy, look behind us! There's a dog driving that car!" And you'll be all like, "Vroom, vroom! I won't run you over, but the look on your face because you think I'm going to is priceless! Vroom, screech, vroom!" And they'll be all like, "Daddy, Daddy, the doggy is going to run us over! Can I pet it?" And the Daddy will say something like, "It's ok, princess. The nice doggy won't run us over. He's a good dog, yes he is. Yes he is!" And you'll be all like, "It's ok, little girl. I promise not to run you over, but your Daddy is on his own. Vrrooommm, vrooom vrooom! Sputter-cough-stall. Shoot." No, I haven't done this. But I've been told it's a great leg workout - for both you and the little kids trying not to get run over.

There are other odd quirks (as opposed to normal quirks?) of both dogs and humans that I need to comment on, but not today. For today, we'll stick with what we have so far. So, get up from your chair, do up your hair, and go get some air (and bring the human too!)! See what I did there, with the rhyming? You'd think I had help or something. Yes, yes, I'm saying go for a walk. Find a stick, carry it around in your mouth, hit your humans in the back of the knee with it when they're not looking, and pretend like you didn't notice they were there and just bumped into them. It's adorable, trust me. You just have to put on the right look, and they fall for it every time. Use your eyebrows, too. That always gets 'em.

Oh, and one last thing! Here is your quote for the day, rather apropos I thought, given my former profession:
"Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat." ~Oxford Union Society, London, Rule 46

I would take offense to that rule, except that I'm too busy laughing. Oh, jeez, now I'm drooling. Cleanup, living room aisle! Bring your socks!